Inspired by Mzungu Chick's latest blog, I thought I would share my weight loss programme with you.
To start, you need to have the car you use in Kenya to be torched during a riot, ensuring that there is no money in the kitty to replace it (this latter is extremely easy!).
Then visit upcountry - I chose Kisii - and live like a Kenyan on the breadline. This involves eating the staple food, sukuma wiki and ugali, and because you can afford it, fresh fruit by the kilo, every day for a month.
To get to town, about 1 mile away, you walk - uphill, bearing in mind that Kisii is at an elevation of 5,577 ft to start with. Do not take the matatu until you have walked at least ½ mile and have broken out in an uncontrolable sweat - the wheazing whilst breathing is optional.
Do all this with a 35litre back pack containing an old (and heavy) laptop, digital camera and all the other bits and pieces necessary to play the part of a tourist.
Once in town, bob from cyber cafe to cyber cafe until you find a queue that does not comprise half the population of the town. This is usually on the 3rd or 4th floor of a mall with no lift.
Upon leaving the cyber cafe, walk around town with a young person who is used to the thin atmosphere and can walk at 6 mph.
Walk home, stopping at the local supermarket. Buy sweets for 36 kids. Arrive home. Collapse.
Repeat every weekday.
On Saturdays, spend time teaching kids to play volleyball, skipping, skittles, hula hoop, tennis, etc., all this accompanied by a four-year-old who considers that he has been put on this Earth only to sit on your shoulders - permanently (at this point, the rucksack can be dispensed with).
Sundays - rest, comprising amusing previously mentioned four-year-old, making paper aeroplanes, skittles, playing football (you are the only person allowed to even touch the new ball you bought him!)!
I can guarantee that you will lose weight - a lot of weight!